Friday, February 8, 2013

I'll throw it all away

" You knew me well enough - what did i want back then ? "

Really ? Meh ? You do realise i'm seeking help - now how many times does that happen.
Get over yourself - the world does not revolve around you.
I'm the morning and the evening star my will shall be done, no come on seriously - i need a few answers
I don't have answers, also i'm not the one you should ask them for - its you always pretty much - you throw things away
Hahahahaha, really ? You think i make myself miserable on purpose ?
Well, not on purpose - maybe subconsciously or something like that
LOL! so you believe that i like to ruin my life
Yea pretty much - though ruin would be too strong a word - its more about drama you like drama.
Ups and down you mean *raised eyebrow*
Potato, Potaato. You proclaim that you get bored easily with people, groups etc. You do know thats not the truth.
Oh wise one tell me the truth :)
You are bored with your life and with who you are - you don't like who you are - you hate yourself.
Ouch ... so thats what you genuinely think I am
Sigh . I hope that one day you figure out that you are this as well. Anyway, i gtg mom's calling.
K thanks bye.

Log out.

What did she mean - I hate myself, she thought. Took a glance in a mirror and all she could see was self love - what was that word he thought, ah yes, narcissistic. Grabbed the white board marker and went up to mirror - slowly wrote in plain bold stencil like handwriting 'Narcissistic'. Better she thought and capped the marker back.

Plop she let herself fall, marker in hand lost in her thoughts. Hate myself. Hmm. Why.

Uncap marker - stretch left hand out. Unhappy with my life. "Paint" the index finger nail. Admire it the perfect layer of black marker on it. Paint rest of them. Helps in creativity she thought. Pick up the phone. Open the phone messenger - scroll through the names. Never mind. Too much of a hassle. Put it down. Feel alone. Alone. Finish nails, wry smile. Excellent. Opened phone again, think for a second and throw it away.

'Hey how art thee' the phone beeped.

Stare at the phone for a long time - how am I - think think about this do this logically and systematically. Flash a fake smile to the phone, convince the phone you aren't lying - good let the fakeness slip into your body, let it travel inch by inch to your fingertips.

'I'm awesome - how art thou ? ' the obsolete machine sent it back.

Type - lies - more lies - further lies - become comfortable with lies.

'Nice to know you are doing good'

'Cheers - later'

At least you stick to your reality when it comes to a certain things.

Life becomes mundane - you settle in a routine - you see things around you collapsing they don't bother you. Then you crave ups and downs - ah drama - you sly cheeky bastard you crave drama.

Whore. Attention seeking whore. Love seeking whore. Spotlight that's what is everything about, just being in the spotlight.

It is no pursuit of happiness - this is pursuit of self satisfaction.

A canvas with a gleaming fresh sheet - open the palette - brand new paints. She looks over it - takes out a pencil - makes a rough sketch all over the the white gleaming reflection of her.

The rough draft  - the word rough makes her snicker. Brushes away the locks falling on her face, few strands had green and orange specks in them. Mind in the gutter as a mentor would have told her. " Your problem is you can't think like normal person - be smart - don't waste your talent and for what it's worth get your mind out of the gutter."
"Frankly, can I be frank with you ?" - smirk
" Yes, as long as you wipe that smirk of yourself'"
Smirk disappeared " I like standing out and being different - what is the point of being conforming to something that everyone thinks work. Here is a lesson in literature for you - I want to take the road less traveled."
"You're a smart kid - make smart choice - this is not a lecture but a plea. May God's love be with you."

That line - May God's love be with you - stuck with her, resonated a chord and became a mantra. The cheeky smirk appeared again - uncap the marker - The mirror read 'May God's love be with you' as well.

From the corner she could see the half complete rather rough draft of her painting - the two reflections were on the opposite ends of the color palette. Rather than worrying her it made her smile. On her life. On her existence. Her mentor would be ashamed. She was ashamed. All the moving reflection was conforming.

Smart choice - eh ?